Mommy And Daddy Are Killing Each Other
by FluffleNeCharka
Summary: When Bibleman moves into town, Johnny ends up reluctantly helping out the over the top super hero. Will the Bible toter drive our maniac insane, or will Johnny drive Bibleman to be less than perfect, even... human? JohnnyBibleman slash, eventually.
1. Chapter 1

Johnny had killed him, damn it.

He'd beheaded the man. That wasn't something people walked away from. That wasn't even something where a well timed ambulance could save him. That was a fatal blow, the kind that was fool proof and flawlessly lethal. There was no hit or miss, it was just hit. Johnny was nothing if not very good at what he did, and he hadn't half assed his job when it came to Bibleman. Bibleman hit every last nerve in Johnny's conscious mind, ticking him off so bad that the rest of his week had been thrown into a funk. When killing this particular annoyance, he'd been more than careful in how he did it. He chose beheading so there was no chance of that obnoxious prick bothering him again.

But there he was, eating dinner with his two super hero sidekicks out of disguise. How anyone didn't recognize his voice, Johnny would never understand. It was the one thing all super heroes forgot to diguise. In all of three seconds, Johnny had recognized all of them - but apparently this low level of deduction had been beyond all of Bibleman's other enemies. Knowing their faces, Johnny would hardly have trouble with killing them later, he thought dully as he watched them. The only reason he hadn't done so already was his keen interest in figuring out how, exactly, Bibleman's head had been re-attached and he was fine in a matter of days. Several possibilities went through his mind - aliens, zombies, duct tape - before the Bible toting hero noticed Johnny.

He went pale. He froze. He stared. Horror, fear, realization, getting over it, bravery. A whirlwind of emotions passed over his face as he started to stand, eyes wide and worried and locked on Johnny's calm, uncaring expression.

Johnny, across the street, rolled his eyes and walked away with a dismissive wave. Not today. He wasn't going to fight with the Bible-toter today. He was in the mood for a Fizz-Whizz and a taco, not another killing. Tomorrow, maybe. Even he had his limits, not that you'd know it from some of his bouts of insanity. With a yawn and languid sigh, he stretched his arms over his head before vanishing from the other man's view entirely. Not every villain, it seems, is fond of dramatic battles after an epic entrance. And while it might befuddle Captain Dramatic over there and his little dramatards, Johnny knew that it hardly mattered now. If Bibleman was immortal, then they had all the time in the world to fight each other. Literally.

Still, it perturbed Johnny to no end that his attempt on the man's life had failed. He paced, he drew some Happy Noodle Boy, he watched static on TV to see if it was as meaningful as insane people said it was. It wasn't, though it provided at least some background noise for his thoughts. The total lack of logic nagged at him, his mind going in circles. So, there was someone else out there who couldn't die. There was someone else out there that eternity rolled its eyes at and chucked back into the living. Johnny had to admit that in spite of himself, he was curious as to how it had all come about. Of course, asking him was out of the question. The man would probably freak out at so much as a 'hi'. Then again, Johnny mused, if neither of them could die it hardly mattered who freaked out on who. Finally, when it hit five in the morning, he threw his hands in the air and conceeded to himself that he might as well go investigate.

Finding him wasn't hard. All Johnny had to do was look through a couple churches. He decided on the tackiest, most obnoxiously over done one, and waited crouched behind a statue. In three minutes flat, there he was. Like clockwork. Johnny didn't bother with any of the drama or flair he supposed a 'villain' to a 'superhero' meeting was supposed to have, instead simply stepping out from the shadows. There would be plenty of time for drama later, when this guy realized just how cruel and corrupt this city was. Right now, he settled for tapping the man on the shoulder.

"Bibleman."

The man looked as if he might run. Then he looked as if he might punch Johnny. "You."

"You're alive," Johnny said, making it sound equal parts question and statement, tilting his head so that his hair-horns fell over his eyes. "You're not even scratched."

"Why do you care?" he asked cautiously. The homicidal maniac shrugged in response, eyes far away for a moment.

"I died once. Came back a lot worse then I left. My hair fell out. Satan was a jackass. The whole thing was hell. How'd yours go?"

Christ, Johnny could've been talking about the weather for all the seriousness in his tone. Apparently death and Hell hadn't done much to phase the maniac. But he was calm enough right now to be talkative, so Bibleman attempted to come up with some sort of response. It was his turn to look far away, and he did for a long moment, trying to put Heaven into words.

"Elize is a terrible guide. Other than that, it was very peaceful and restful. I think I might actually be younger now than when I left." The memory of Heaven was clearly still vivid in his mind. Looking over at the man who killed him, he hardly saw the same person. Johnny appeared curious and watchful, instead of angry and insane. There was a level of clarity in his deep brown eyes that hadn't been there before. Braving triggering another attack, Bibleman asked, "How'd you die?"

"Suicide." A non-chalant shrug accompanied the word.

"Oh." He couldn't think of anything to say to that, so he decided that re-asserting himself was a good idea. "I'm not going to let you or Satan get a hold of this city, you know!"

"Trust me, Satan's too incompetent to get control of his own son, let alone a city." Johnny snorted. "Besides, I don't want to 'get a hold of' this city. I want..." He trailed off thoughtfully. Damn. What _did_ he want? Contentment, maybe. Food. A roof over his head. Brain Freezy's? Peace and quiet. "I just want to exist, and while I haven't read the Bible in, well, EVER, I'm pretty sure there's not a rule against that. I think."

"You kill people."

"Shit happens."

"I'll pray for you."

"You do that." Johnny looked over at him, as if remembering why he came here. "What's your name, anyway? I'm not running around calling you Bibleman like we're in some lame-ass comic strip."

"It's Josh," the Chrsitian replied, shifting uneasily, not willing to give his last name. The other man didn't press him for it, instead choosing to walk away from him with a vaguely satisfied glint in his eyes.

"Johnny." He called over his shoulder, as an afterthought. "You can call me Nny."


	2. Chapter 2

Apparently, 'villain' was code for 'fucking retarded'.

Really? THIS was what Bibleman was fighting? And he hadn't won yet? Johnny supposed he had to blame the super hero's inability to kill the morons, though if it had been Johnny in Josh's place there would have been a string of 'totally accidental' well planned deaths by now. Unfortunately, Josh lacked those kind of planning skills, enabling these morons to continue on. That was truly the only reason such dimwitted people had lasted more than a day against even a dimwit like Bibleman. They were talking about their evil plans out loud, in a public park, on a crowded day. Johnny hadn't had to do anything more than drink his ice cream soup and watch the whole dramatic 'whispering' for a minute before he knew their entire insidious plot. Well, borderline insidious. It was more obnoxious than anything else, but he supposed anyone fighting 'Bibleman' wasn't very bright to begin with.

And off he went to find said Bibleman, either to save the moron's hide or to at least get him to move the fight away from Brain Freezy World. It was hard enough to resist the urge to kill these overly happy, ranty little 'villains'. He couldn't be expected to let them live if they ruined the only good place in this entire city. Of course, killing Bibleman would solve all his problems. Unfortunately, he was immortal, so Johnny had to seek him out (gag) _talk_ to him. But where would the purple clad Bible toter be right now? Churches were the obvious choice. Yet most of them were locked and closed when Johnny checked them. (Not that that would have stopped him, normally, but he highly doubted someone who dressed in purple spandex and called himself Bibleman would break into a place just for the heck of it.) Finally, he found a huge church, set up on the top of a hill. Dramatic. Overbearing. Tacky. Yep, this was the right place.

"Josh?" he asked, causing the man to jump and whirl around. "You got a minute?"

"How did you find me?" Josh said, eyes wide. Apparently how obvious he was had yet to dawn on him.

One of Josh's sidekicks, out of disguise now, looked over at Johnny curiously. Johnny supposed he was the token excited and faithful youth around here. "Who are you?"

"He's no one," Josh replied, quickly ushering him away. "Go, uh, go help with the lights or something." He turned back to Johnny. "I'm a little busy here right now."

The sidekick was not about to leave. "Wait, the lights are already done-"

"Johnny, I have _got_ to get going-"

"-in fact, the lights have been done since yesterday-"

"-I've got a lot of responsibilities here-"

"**Bibleman**." Johnny said firmly, shutting them both up in one word. "Tonight, when you and your church group go out to dinner after performing, there'll be an ambush waiting for you in parking lot." He turned to leave, glaring them both down and barely restraining himself from strangling them with the damn lights. "So sorry if I wasted your time."

And off he went, cursing to himself. Stupid fucking moron and his mini-moron. He should've just let them both get killed. In fact, fuck it. The next time he heard someone plotting against those two, he'd give out directions to this church and sit back to watch the carnage. If they were all immortal - God forbid - then at least he'd get some laughs out of the whole ordeal. Why did he even bother? He turned to cuss out the Bible mutt, but found himself unable to. He paused, blinking. Sunshine, gentle sparkles in the other man's eyes. He was sickeningly happy, and usually Johnny would delight in ruining that. Now he found himself turning away. Well, he'd cuss the moron out later, when he walked right into the ambush or something. Whatever. Not like he cared. The Bible-mutt was probably, he realized, semi-immortal anyway, the same way Johnny was. Therefore he had just warned someone of a danger that barely even threatened him.

Not that Captain Sparkly Eyes would know yet that he was immortal. He seemed stunned he even existed at this point. Johnny wondered if he should reveal this little tidbit of information to him. It certainly would be fair enough pay back for making him come all the way out here. And if the freak was visibly sparkling just like Johnny was visibly dark, then he was almost certainly invincible now. But then again, his ego was already the size of a blimp. Ah, fuck it. Let the guy figure it out for his own self.

"I'm gonna go kill a mime," Johnny muttered to himself, and off he went to do so, relieving stress and making the world a better place at the same time.

- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

Bibleman was the most over the top man Johnny knew. In attempting to summon him, the homicidal man sat down and thought of the most dramatic, tacky thing that one could do to summon a super hero. Since Bibleman's outfit screamed Batman rip off, Johnny went with a spotlight with a B on it. Only, lacking that, he just put duct tape in the shape of a B on one. Eh, close enough. As long as it was overly dramatic, he was sure that Bibleman wouldn't be able to resist. It worked, too, fantastically well, causing the him to double over with laughter. The sidekick was there too, the same token energetic youth. He was thankful no one was here to see him cackling. He probably looked rather villainous right now.

Johnny had his snickering under control by the time they got to the roof. "Nice to see you made it. How'd the fight go?"

"We won, thanks to you," the superhero responded with a solemn expression. "But otherwise we might've not made it. I assume you called me here for a reason?"

"I want your cell phone number. Or your phone number, or something." Johnny gave him a look equal parts disdain and annoyance. "I'm not going to run around town all day looking for you every time things go wrong."

"Is it really that much of a sure thing, things going wrong?" Bibleman asked with a sigh.

"In your life?" Johnny smirked, and they both had to grin at that, faintly anyway.

The sidekick was watching Johnny warily. There was something that wasn't quite right about Johnny. His devil horn hair had everything to do with it in this case, since Bibleman villains tend to look far more threatening than they actually are. That, and Johnny's general darkness didn't help much either. Villains in the overly holy people's world were obvious, and Johnny radiated darkness and lack of joy the way Bibleman radiated light and energy. But despite this, the skinny man seemed to be erring on the side of good more often than anything else. He stood here attempting to help them despite looking for all the world like a bad guy. It was a common, totally normal idea to most people – which meant it was enough to drive the sidekick completely insane. His mind was not set up to process this kind of thing.

"Bibleman," the younger man whined, in what he totally thought was a whisper, "I don't think we should be trusting this guy. What if he's working for Satan?"

Johnny glared at him. "I am not working for that jackass. Hell was bad enough briefly; I'd never send anyone there permanently."

This knowledge seemed to repulse the young man to the point of fainting outright. Despite Satan being a raging incompetent in front of Bibleman, the sidekick still feared Hell. Johnny snorted derisively. What a little wuss. Then again, he probably thought that Hell was a dramatic fiery place. The truth of the matter, of course, was that fire was preferable to the sheer stupidity he'd seen there; maybe it was best to let the kid keep his delusions. Bibleman made no motion to pick up his sidekick, and Johnny made no motion to show that he cared. For a moment they stood there, quiet and virtually thoughtless.

"Why do you want to help me?" Bibleman asked softly. "You killed me."

"Yeah, that was fun," Johnny said wistfully. Then he caught himself. "But I am not letting those stupid enemies of yours run around ruining people's lives."

"You're a murderer."

"Of _adults_," the maniac shot back intensely. "Grown people who knew what they were getting into when they messed with me? That's different. Not kids – _never_ children. They can't help themselves most of the time. They can change, even if they're assholes right now. Those dipshits you're fighting against take aim at kids." Johnny met his enemy's gaze and held it firmly. "I don't remember my entire life up until the last three years, and parts of that are fuzzy. But whatever happened to me, it must've been hell, because I can't stand seeing kids get hurt. Even evil has standards, and that's mine."

Bibleman blinked. "You don't remember anything? At all?"

Johnny shook his head and looked away. "That's not important right now. Just give me your number and I'll leave you and your mini-you to do whatever it is people like you do when I'm not around."

But the purple superhero didn't speak, staring over at his once-murderer with something akin to horror. No, Johnny realized, looking into his eyes, it was sympathy. That was strange. Few people gave Johnny that kind of compassionate look nowadays. Then again, few people talked to him enough to learn his backstory, what little bit remained. Those that learned it never really cared much. This was rather new and uncomftorable. They stood in silence for a few seconds as Nny felt him grow increasingly uneasy. He wasn't sure what to say right now. Not that Bibleman woould've been easy to talk to under ideal circumstances, but this was something he had a hard time talking about even with Squee. For a moment, they just watched one another, a quiet whirlwind of emotions and social incompetence. Johnny looked away, finally, and heard the other man step closer. This was probably the closest thing to a tender moment Johnny had had in months. Privately, he decided he didn't like it.

"Johnathan..." Bibleman muttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. I didn't mean to bring it up, I'm sorry." And he handed him his phone number. The sidekick stirred on the ground. Johnny was faintly aware of the moment being gone. They'd both ended it as fast as they could, maybe because neither of them were sentimental people. "I'll be seeing you."

"Yeah, sure."

And with that, Johnny found himself alone as always, on a cold rooftop, without anywhere to go or anything to do. Just like always. Shrugging, he watched the stars a bit longer before departing. Something about the way people glared at him and the obnoxious glare of streetlights made him feel content. Life was returning to normal. In a few minutes he would find someone that angered him. Life would resume its normal course of unsteady emotions and unwavering apathy. He had to admit, he realized as he walked, that he wasn't very good at this whole friendship thing. That would probably get better with time. Whatever. He wasn't bad at it, either, not with Bibleman. For some reason, he found himself unable to be hateful and angry when the other man was near. Maybe superheroes cancelled out wastelocks, or something, he thought as he recalled their meeting earlier. Right now it was time to let the sounds of the city drown out his own thoughts as he sought out a Cherry Fizz Whizz. That much, he was good at. It was routine. It was normal for him to get a Cherry Fizz Whizz late at night.

The weird thing was, he got it with a smile on his face, for the first time in weeks.

Maybe the purple-and-yellow spandex-clad Batman ripoff _was_ good for something after all.


End file.
